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35 Humorous One Liners for Public Speakers By Mike Moore
I believe in the awesome power of humorous one liners to get and maintain audience attention and to promote retention of the material you cover in your presentations or seminars. Mastering the art of the one liner is simple, much easier than mastering the art of telling humorous stories. The latter requires a keen sense of pacing and timing to deliver a punch line which results in laughter from your audience. Some speakers just can’t get the timing right when telling longer stories, but usually have no problem at all with one liners.
If you know who said the one liner always give credit, but if you don’t, just use it and forget about authorship. Many one liners are credited to so many sources, that no one really knows from whom they originated. The origin and authorship of most are lost. Just use them.
Here are 35 of my favorite humorous one liners for you to use in your speeches. Practise delivering them with sharpness and confidence. To help you with this refer to my article on delivering humorous one liners at http://www.speakforprofit.com/articles.html .
1. Expecting people to treat you nicely because you’re a good person is much like expecting a bull not to charge you because you’re a vegetarian.
2. Start each day off with a smile..............and get it over with. W.C. Fields
3. My Mother told me I wouldn’t get far in life because of my procrastination, but I told her,
“ Just you Wait!”
4. If you go to a doctor’s office and find all the plants dead, get yourself another doctor. Erma Bombeck
5. If at first you don’t succeed, so much for sky diving.
6. My insides feel so much younger than my outsides look.
7. We must do more than gargle from the well of knowledge.
8. I read recently in the newspaper that impotence is on the rise. Really? MM
9. I’m not afraid of dying, I just don’t want to be there when it happens. Woody Allen.
10.They laughed at Joan of Arc, but she went right ahead and built it anyway. Gracie Allen
11. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you’re on the toilet.
12. It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.
13. Some days you’re the dog and some days you’re the hydrant.
14. If all is not lost where the hell is it?
15. If God wanted us to bend over and touch our toes He would have put them on our knees.
16. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
17. It’s hard to make a comeback when you’ve never been anywhere.
18. If a cat could speak it would probably say something like, “ Hey I don’t see a problem here.”
19. Isn’t it wonderful that wrinkles don’t hurt?
20. Parenting teens is much like trying to nail jell-O to a tree.
21. You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
22. Inside every old person is a young person wondering what the hell happened.
23. I know there is no life on Mars. It has never shown up on my daughter’s phone bill.
24. The problem with being punctual is there’s no one around to appreciate it.
25. Minister at grave side: “ What we have here is a mere shell. The nut is gone.”
26. Her husband is always willing to go that extra mile. He just won’t stop and ask directions.
27. Why is it that when I throw a pity party no one ever shows up but me?
28. You know you’re getting old when friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.
29. When you come to the fork in the road, take it.
30. Charisma is that special quality bald, boring, overweight billionaire’s have.
31. Despite the high cost of living it is still quite popular.
32. I started to take Flintstone vitamins. I didn’t really feel any better, but you should have seen me stop my car with my feet.
33. There’s one advantage to being 102 years old. No peer pressure.
34. Dogs have owners, cats have staff.
35. Any day above ground is a good day.
LAUGHTER MAKES GREAT THINGS HAPPEN
If you would like more on using humor in your speeches order a copy of my Special Report
“ How to Use Humor in Public Speaking” from “ http://www.motivationalplus.com/store.html
Mike Moore is an international speaker on humor and human potential. You can download his FREE ebook The Healing Power of Laughter at http://www.motivationalplus.com